Drilling advances

	Vol. 227 No. 7
LES SKINNER, PE CONTRIBUTING EDITOR

Oilfield proverbs. Listen, all ye miserable sinners who have entered into the land of the tall derricks through the V-door. Tread softly on thy journey, and carry a big twenty-four in this dry and thirsty land. Harken to my voice, all ye of smooth skin and unwrinkled countenance, for I have dwelt in this land for many years and mine eyes have witnessed all manner of folly and woe.

Verily, I have tasted of the bitter fruit of stuck drillpipe and I have drunk the dregs of the cup of lost circulation. Grid up thy loins, my son, and take up thy time sheets with great care. Listen to the counsel of the sadder and wiser man than thee.

Unto all things there cometh a time – a time to speak and a time to remain silent. Be thou as a stone in the presence of thy superiors, and keep thy tongue quiet when they call for volunteers. The wise man searcheth out the easy jobs on the rig, but the fool sticketh out his neck.

Latcheth onto the young floor hand, for he is innocent and eager to help. He is proud and foolish, and will handle many nasty jobs in his vain attempt to receive recognition and favor. His youth betrays him, while he stands in the freezing rain to curry favor. Older and wiser men will laugh at his recklessness, and those with “snow on the mountaintop” will mock him.

Know thou that the Pusher of Tools is a man of many moods. When he smiles, seeketh him out, praise his rig and laugheth much at his jests. However, when he moveth with great haste and the sweat standeth out on his brow, make thyself scarce. If he curseth under his breath, do not wish him a good day or long life for he will fall upon thee like the whirlwind. The Driller shall feel his anger, and the Roughneck shall know his wrath. Not even thy hardhat can protect thee.

Honor the man known as Offshore Installation Manager for he is in control of all things. His power reaches to the skies, and his decisions are infallible. Bring him fresh coffee and stand ready to do his bidding, my son, for staying on his good side will be rewarded with trips to the shorebase on a helicopter and not the crewboat.

Seek out the man called Company, for his good opinion canst secure a job with the Operator. Make thyself busy with meaningful work in his presence for he observes all things and does not fail to provide his opinions to those of higher position. Escape from the rig floor will follow, if thou canst properly impress him.

Expecteth no relief from the engineer known as Drilling, for he loveth much his printouts and charts. He will alter the drilling plan as his heart leads him with no concern for the work it causes thee. Thou wilt make many extra trips with the drillstring to experiment with new technologies as long as he resides upon the floor.

Beware of the wizard known as Geophysicist for he reads large sheets covered with many squiggly lines. His vocabulary is filled with words such as “velocity” and his time is measured in milliseconds. He employs divination in drawing his conclusions. His cabin is filled with dry bones and rattles, and he uses chants and spells in his work. Do not try to understand his words nor grasp their meaning, for they are far beyond thy comprehension.

Listen carefully to the words of the scientist known as Geologist. He specializes in drawing concentric ovals on base maps, but none can define how he knows where they go. He is in collusion with the Geophysicist, and his thoughts are abstract. However, he loveth to discuss his prospect with any who will listen, as though all will understand his logic. Know this, my son, if the well is a dry hole, the Geologist will always blame the Driller.

Look thou with disfavor on the engineer known as Reservoir. He, too, priseth much his printouts and graphs, but he is proud and foolish. He joketh much with the Company Man and he looketh upon the roughneck with a frown. He would fain go to Research, but, alas, he is not qualified.

Revile the specialist known as Mud Man, for he keepeth the give-away gifts for himself or he giveth them to the Drilling Engineer. He is thrice cursed, even unto the floor hands, and all shall spit upon him, for he is an abomination.

Ask nought of the Driller, for he despises thy youth. He will ask many questions of thee which thou canst not answer, and then he will puff out his chest in pride at his superior knowledge. He is thy supervisor, however, and thou art required to do his bidding, although he careth nothing for flattery.

Become a life-long friend to the Cook, for he alone controls the food with which thou retainest thy strength. Laugh much at his jokes, though you have heard them countless times before. Praise his food, even when it tastes and looks like an old boot, and your plate will be filled for countless days and nights.

Make a companion of the Logger of Mud, for he always hath doughnuts in his quarters and he can always find a current newspaper. Take him thy reading material and share thy sparse food supply with him, for he provides shelter during thunderstorms away from the doghouse.

When the Drilling Superintendent approaches thee, make thyself scarce, for he will make thee sweat. Look thou on-the-ball, for he loveth to chew on thy posterior. Keep out of his sight lest he know thee by name, for he who arouses the wrath of the Drilling Superintendent will go many times into the mud house.

Be gentle and thoughtful of the person known as Medic. He hath the power to inflict harsh pain when treating thy minor injuries. He can be heartless when bandaging thy wounds, and then can fill out the accident report with truth, making thee appear as a fool. Nevertheless, treat him with courtesy, lest he withhold the seasick medicine.

Watch out for the supply room manager, known as Nipple Chaser, for he is parsimonious. He will provide thee only with what is on the requisition form, for he is possessive of all his goods. Do not ask for freebies, my son, for he is highly frugal and a man with a chronic, sour disposition. Yet, he is the keeper of many good things, so do not provoke him to anger, lest he short-stoppeth thy requisitions.

The wise man will prosper and his goods will multiply; he will be fruitful and happy on his days off. The fool squanders his earnings playing the card game, Bouré, with the Directional Drillers.

Regard my words carefully, my son, and thou shalt dwell happily and prosper in the land of derricks for many years. If you fail to heed this wisdom, thou shalt be doomed to meaninglessly toil at the home of the hamburger. Selah.